Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Trail of Tears...


I have never been so exhausted as I have been lately. I think it is a culmination of several things that is causing me to feel this way. Between work, my personal life, money stress and everything else that comes with being a twenty-something in this world, I have just felt so wiped out. I find it interesting though because I don't realize just how drained I am, probably because I am always running to a show, from a show, to the store, from a class then back again. It's like a take all my stress and anxiety and put it in this box to save it for later because I can't have it in the way when I am working, but then I forget its there and it fills to the top and starts to overflow. Then I have to deal with it. Yesterday was one of those days.

I woke up and was rushing to get to work on time, while still getting my dog situated before I left. I feel bad leaving her at home all day so I try to make her accommodations as comfortable as possible. Anywho I got to work and had to speed walk to the clock to clock in on time. It was SO hot & muggy that our first two High School shows were awful. It was one of those days where you already are drenched with sweat from the walk down to step off. I also received a text informing me that I owed $240 and that it was due the next day. Anyone who knows anything about Disney knows that I would have to work at least 40 hours to hit that and still have money to survive. Just another chunk of awesomeness to stash in that stress box. Later, in the afternoon, one of my closest friends (I call her my soulmate) came into town and was watching Block Party. despite the heat, I gave the first show stop my all because I wanted to show her what Block Party with Bry was all about. Needless to say, 16 minutes later I wanted to die, and I still had another show stop to go. That second show stop was rough. At one point I had to hide in the tweener (that is what the floats are called) to keep from passing out on the street. I wasn't the only one. There were several people that went down that day. Then again thats what it is always like at Block Party. We call it the trail of tears. Once we finished the last show stop I went to my post and began pushing the trampoline to step down. I was in so much pain and, because of my weakened physical state, could no longer hold back the box brimming with heaviness. I suddenly felt so overwhelmed with everything. It hit me all at once.

While still on parade route my unwilling eyes started spilling with tears. I couldn't stop it. There was so much inside me pushing itself out through my exhausted form that all I could do was hide my face from the guests in the park and cry. Once we were stepped down I just had to sit there and let it run it's course. I have never felt like that, so tired and weary that I couldn't help but sob. It wasn't that I was sad, I just couldn't keep anything inside me at that point. This job, though it is so incredibly gratifying and amazing, is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have never sweat and shook as hard as I do in this profession. The other day peter gave me a quote that he heard on TV. I am not sure of the exact wording but in paraphrase it said something to the effect of:

"The only glamorous thing about dancing is the make up and the costumes. Everything else is blood, sweat and tears."

Nothing has proved more true than that statement. This is no cake walk, but it's a walk that I take every day, and I love every minute of it.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blogs. It just shows me how amazing you are as a person. When we are watching you perform, you do it as if you have nothing else on your mind yet you have stress just like the rest of us. It takes a strong person to be able to hide that and perform with as much energy as you do but sometimes having a good cry is a much needed stress relief.

Anonymous said...

This too will pass...Don't worry. Whenever you are lost, I will find you. Whenever you are sad, I will be there to cheer you up. And whenever you need someone to talk to I'm only a call away. I'm your biggest fan, your most ardent supporter, and so very proud of the person you have become. I love your guts!

Allie said...

Your mom is so cute!

Days like that are so hard, but isn't it somehow gratifying? Like somehow going through all that stretches our emotional reservoir so we can feel happiness and joy just as intensely as we felt that exhaustion and pain - when before we couldn't have. That's how I think of those times, anyway. It makes me feel like I'm actually alive. (Although, I much prefer that those times happen randomly and not consistently.)

Casey Editor-in-Chief said...

It seems we all have those days where we can't help but cry. And the way you described the box you put all emotional crap in was so true. But when ever I see you perform, you are fierce man. That is the mark of an awesome performer. Even if you are having a shitty day, the audience would never know. Rock on.

Tracy said...

I love how you can write about your feelings. Thanks for letting us know about this. We love you and are proud of you and can't wait to see you..sooner than later.