............

*tear*

x 100000000

Finding My Time Machine

Doesn't the idea of a time machine entice you?

I know it sparks my interest.

Just think of it:

A machine.

That can take you back and forth.

Through time.

Articles, books, stories and dreams have all stemmed from the idea of revisiting a place now lost in our minds.

I must admit, I have dreamt about the idea, of being able to go back.

Back to places that still physically exist but have lost their familiarity, to walk some hallways that no longer belong to me, to smell things like my baby sheets, the carpet in my grandma's house, the laundry detergent that used to saturate my clothes and the air of my childhood.

I would love to go back and sit in the dark, underneath my grandma's old swamp cooler, just close my eyes and smell the cold, moist air as it rushed around me. Sometimes I wish I could climb onto the roof of the garage with my brothers, knowing full well that it wasn't allowed, and sit there, staring into the setting sun. It's been so long since I felt the stinging red on my ears and nose, while playing through dark neighborhoods on a late autumn night.

Yes, I dream of going back sometimes, going back to a place that my mind and heart calls home.

Lately, it has felt like home has disappeared, the memories of it shoved out of my head to make room for bills, insurance, shaving, cleaning up after myself even though I'm tired, and other necessary grown up things. I'd been searching, like so many before, for a time machine and I could not seem to find one.

It scares me, not being able to go back, losing something so special. I hate not being able to recall the smell my toybox or not remembering the best places to hide during hide-and-seek games with my cousins. I want to hold onto these memories because they make my past not seem so far away. They serve as a safety line that forever keeps me tethered to my childhood, and as long as it stays intact, I don't have to grow up. I try, but memories like these become trivial and expendable when stacked up against "important" memories like my bank account number or when the power bill is due.

But if I could go back, I wouldn't have to keep all those precious gems so tightly in my mind's fist, because all of those things would be real, sitting on time's bookshelf waiting for me to revisit. But I know, as so many men have discovered in the past, that such a thing just isn't possible. Not right now at least.

Because of that fact, I always dread revisiting old places from my past. I feel like it sets me up for disappointment because the memories never match the material. The trees are always taller, the houses are filled with different lives, the smells have evolved and moved onto other noses. The past in physical form vanishes while we lead our lives, slowly eaten by the present. I don't live in my hometown, I haven't for quite sometime, and honestly, I do not like to go there. It tarnishes the warm, nostalgic glow that surrounds the place in my head.

Recently, though, I could not avoid it and I had to make the journey back to the skeleton of my juvenescence.

Honestly, I was scared.

I was scared to see what has changed, scared to find different people, smells and buildings, forcing my mental map to reconfigure. I boarded the plane, suitcase in tow and lump in my stomach, and headed off to face the potential homicide of my nostalgia.

I am writing right now, however, to tell you that this was not the case. Not everything was the same, the trees were bushier, random banks and stores had grown in old fields, little people had turned into big people, but it was the same. I was shocked to discover how little affect the physical appearance of "home" had on my emotions.

I spent time with the people from my past, some of which had grown a couple inches, inside and out, but I slid nicely back into the mold of our relationships. The rhythm was still there, steadily offering a familiar underscore to all of our time spent together. Never did I feel the cold grip of change on my insides. The more familiar laughs and well acquainted smiles I experienced, the more I came to realize that it had happened, I was in my past.

I had somehow found my time machine, and I was sitting there, inside an old musty car, driving through the winding canyons of my upbringing, smelling autumn on my clothing and looking into the same smiling, mischievous eyes that I, years ago, so frequently peered into. I was holding the same soft hands, hugging the same small and excited frames, laughing about the same stories. They laughed the same, the sway of their walk as the strode to the front door was so deliciously commonplace for me. It was the most bizarre experience, it was not as if I was revisiting this place, I was there, as if I had never left. I felt the familiar love, excitement and happiness that I thought had been bundled up and tossed out of my mind and into the roaring wind.

It was right there at the tips of my thirsty senses, real and thriving. I was feeling it, taking it all in and processing it. So many things had physically changed since my childhood walks through the streets of my hometown, but none of that mattered because the feelings I had for these people were still alive and right in front of me.

But then I began to panic,

"How could I make this stick? How can I resume my present life I had worked for but still keep this amazing bundle of my past safely in my pocket?"

I couldn't find a solution. I sat and pondered this for a long time in the nights that I spent there, searching the folds of my brain for some sort of an answer to this conundrum. It wasn't until my last night there that I sat in bed and thought,

"I don't have to do anything, because my past is not part of the physical realm, but still living inside me."

It struck me, this realization, and all at once, for the first time I felt complete harmony between my past and my present, leading me into my future. I love where my life is right now and now I see that I don't have to chose between my "old life" and my current one. I have both with me, wherever I journey in this life.

I don't need a time machine to go to my past because my past is not a place in which I need to travel. It's not an old house, or a familiar smell. It may sound trite, but my past is the the love I feel for the people in my life. I now see that love is the strongest tether between my past and present. I have grown up and moved on, but I will always love those people, and that is something that the push and pull of the passing time can never steal.

*Now you tell me:

Have you had any experiences like this? What's it like when you go home? I wanna know! Post your response as a comment!

Feliz cumpleaños, thats how they say it in Spain...

My birthday is coming up on April 17th.

Now you don't have an excuse if you forget.

Anywho.

Here are some things that I am selfishly wanting right now:

Canon Speedlite 430EX II Flash for Canon Digital SLR Cameras

A Pro Master Studio Lighting Kit

A Deep Fryer so I can make my own sweet potato fries.

This one probably won't happen but a red KitchenAid Mixer. . . I know supper gay.

Gift cards for:

Urban Outfitters

World Market

Target

and of course Ikea

**Update: I was impatient so I just bought the lighting kit myself. So don't get that for me :)

Go to Hell Mercury!

Ok guys.

I promise that I can have my own thoughts separate from Erin's and I promise that this is the last time I steal her post ideas.

But this is an important issue that I want to address!

So the planet Mercury is in retrograde. Basically, what this means is that it is moving backwards rather than per it's usual orbit around the sun. This happens three or four times a year and it messes up the energy on Earth. We are currently in the winter retrograde from January 11 - February 1.

So if you have had all your electronic equipment break down, gone through a bad break up, gotten fired or just been in an awful mood, that might be why.

It affects everyone in different ways according to your astrological sign, but on the whole, it just makes things crappy.

For more information go to this site.

As I was researching the subject I stumbled upon this awesome list on someones blog. It is pretty awesome.

10 reasons to love (okay, love is a strong word) Mercury retrograde:

1. If your computer crashes, at least you don't have to work.
2. If the train doesn't show up, well, you can't really work either.
3. You have an instant excuse for being a raging bitch.
4. You can pretend that you "just didn't understand" annoying people.
5. You no longer have to drunk-dial an ex to hear his voice-- he'll probably call you first.
6. No need to invent elaborate stories when you run late; just blame Mercury.
7. You'll finally lose the contact information of all those toxic people you needed to ditch anyway.
8. When the Internet goes down, you'll actually go outside this summer.
9. If you're a control freak, you'll be forced to learn the art of surrender (okay, so maybe it's not so great -- but we'll blame Mercury retrograde for giving us this crappy idea).
10. Procrastination is no longer a bad habit, it's an "essential coping strategy."

P.S.

Everyone that has to deal with me right now...this is my excuse

"People born under the Aries sun sign should Beware of a tendency to leap before you look, as the mind may be too vacillating, thus inclined to avoid responsibility. Mercury in Aries gives a nervous disposition that frequently produces outbursts of temper."

sorry guys

xoxo?

Raindrops on roses and strawberry mini-wheats...

You know how much I love lists and photoshop. So today I thought I would combine the two and post a list of my top ten obsessions as of late, accompanied by beautiful orb pictures! So what am I waiting for?

1. I love the fall so much. The leaves are better looking, Halloween comes, and the weather changes so I don't have to dance in Africa and more!

2. I know, I talk about it all the time. But HSM3 is gonna be SO AWESOME! Not only the movie but the new show at the studios...hypothetically...I know nothing about it

3. Strawberry Frosted Mini-Wheats are amazing. They are my favorite cereal right now. I love them.

4. This one has already had an entire blog devoted to it. I love you Demi Lovato.

5. With High School Musical 2: School's Out! closing at the studios, there were A LOT of pictures being taken. But lets be honest, dancers are egocentric and take "pics" of themselves all the time anyway. Either way, people have been taking pictures a lot lately and I along with my dear friend Erin have made it our personal mission to get into the background of as many pictures as possible. Try it sometime. It is exhilarating.

6. My favorite lunch lately has been Brie (its a french cheese), grapes, salami, and wheat thins. It is so good. I have been eating extra meals throughout the day just so I can eat more!

7. Lately I have been putting flowers in my room in vases and either the colors, the smell or the increase in oxygen has put me in a better mood. I recommend it.

8. Along with the smell of fresh flowers I HAVE to burn incense. I love the smells they release, they relax me.

9. Having dinner with my Gypsy family is the most enjoyable thing I can think of doing. It feels like family dinner minus the awkward relatives. So comfy and fun and warm. Huzzah.

10. Spending all of the little money I have on itunes is what I do best.

Quote of the Day...

I haven't done a quote of the day for a while and that needs to change. I saw a quote on the Facebook of a friend of mine that I really liked. It is just a little cliche but I loved it. Here it is:

"Do what makes u happy, be with who makes u smile, laugh as much as u breathe, and love as long as u live"

I think it is funny that we over complicate things that don't need to be complicated, like love, but on the other hand we simplify things that are so deep and complex like people in our lives. I think too often we don't realize how much thought and history goes into everything that everyone does. We may think we know why someone does something but most of the time it is rooted so much deeper.

p.s. I typed the word "joy" into my photo website and I liked the picture above. So there you have it.

R.I.P Ron John

I am sad to inform you that one of my fish, Ron John, passed away today. It was really sad. I made a coffin out of paper towels and a cereal box and sent him to rest in his watery grave. He is survived by his owner me and his partner in the tank Argento. This is the best picture I could find of him. He didn't like to hold still. Ron John you will be missed.

Into the night Gypsies...

At work, for some reason, we always act like we are a traveling band of gypsies. Weird I know. Maybe it is because we travel in large groups through the streets of the Hollywood Studios performing for strangers, or maybe it's due to our lax policy regarding personal hygiene, or maybe it's because we are extremely bored. Regardless it happens...daily. Whenever we are standing at step-off waiting to do parade we always end up speaking in accents, making a dance circle and playing make shift instruments from garbage we find around the area. It's sad I know. This is the madness that Block Party has driven us to. Anywho. It is fun to pretend to be poor and spontaneous, throwing all caution and cleanliness to the wind. It sounds magical to abandon all the conveniences of modern living and habitat the streets with a band of bohemians. Recently, however, we had an experience that proved that this notion is not true.

So two days ago, because of extenuating circumstances (ie not my fault), Progress Energy paid our apartment a visit and shut off our power. This was at about 10 a.m. When they came we just so happened to be moving Sarah, our new roommate, into our apartment so there was stuff everywhere.

So we tried to figure everything out with Progress and eventually ($280 later) we got it worked out, however, they couldn't come to turn our power back on until the next day. Awesome. At this point it was about 3 o'clock and our place was a disaster zone. Debris was everywhere and it was going to be pitch black in our apartment soon, which is so not a good combination.

So we tried to get everything situated while we still had light but, faster than we would have liked, night fell. Lemme tell you, spending the night in a dark apartment with no air conditioning, microwave or INTERNET is awful. I was going through withdrawls from the internet thing. We had to go eat at McDonalds just because they have WiFi. I am not even kidding you. The darkness is not fun. I am totally a light person so I was not enjoying myself. Plus I had this diva dog that loves to escape into the darkness and start barking at everything, freaking me out. We didn't even have flashlights. All we had were oil lanterns, which gave off a lot of light, but at the same time set off the smoke detectors about every five minutes. My eyes were so dilated I felt like a bat. Everything was going wrong. It was a freaking sauna but we were afraid to open the windows cause there are about eight species of deadly spiders outside just waiting for a security breech. Then, of course, there was an incident with the glass lantern shattering on the kitchen floor. Lemme give you the equation: Darkness + broken glass + no power for the vacuum = sucky. We finally got to sleep and the next morning, while I was in the shower, they came and turned it back on. It was something I never want to experience again. Evie was traumatized. This whole thing has taught me to 1) trust no one with your bills 2) I could never be a Gypsy for real, I appreciate A/C and the internet too much.

Here are a few pictures chronicling our endeavor:


Here we are in the darkness, Evie was so scared






















Although this lighting is great for my bone structure I was not thrilled






















Peter was not too excited either






















It didn't really phase Sarah...I dunno if she even noticed


















Evie learned what fire was






















And she burned her tongue...I told you she had a hard night. . . a night of hard lessons learned by all






















So that is my obscure connection to the Gypsy lifestyle. It's not for me but all you Gypsies out there I salute you.
















* Update: The other night we went to this place called Cafe Tu Tu Tango and we met a real gypsy! Here is the proof!

Drink Up...

At the risk of this blog sounding very hyper-conservative (which I am not) and extremely self-righteous (which I promise I am also not) I am going to write a blog tonight about something that I am SO not a fan of and which is bothering me to no end at the moment. Now as you read this I know you might think that my hatred is due to my conservative upbringing, which is understandable. However, it honestly has nothing to do with that and has all to do with my personal experiences with it. The thing of which I speak is alcohol. I hate it. Almost more than anything else. It is probably in my top three things I hate, definitely in my top ten. Lemme explain why I am feeling this way.

Now lemme first preface this with a couple things. First off, I don't drink. It is definitely not my thing. If you have read any of my other blogs you will know that one of my main focuses in life it to try to be more concious and alcohol is the last thing I need in that fight. Personally, I don't like anything that makes me feel that I am not in control of my thoughts or actions. Secondly, this is totally not a knock on any of my close friends who drink (which is basically 98% of them). It's cool, I don't hold it against you and I love you to death and back.

So lets talk about it. Seeing that I don't drink, it is a huge hinder on my social life sometimes. I cannot think of anything less fun than being the only sober person at a party. Sitting there, trying to have an intelligent or even remotely meaningful conversation with a drunk person is futile. They have the attention span of a six year old whose mom forgot to pack his Aderol in his lunch box. Trying to get them to do anything or go somewhere is even worse, like herding cats. I guess I am just frustrated because it seems like recently, the entire focus of many of my friend's lives revolves around drinking. I don't see why we can't enjoy each other without alcohol as a filter. Why is an event considered boring if there isn't booze involved. My thoughts are, why go anywhere fun and drink because you won't enjoy or even remember the experience anyway?

One example is a party I went to recently. It was a going away party of sorts. People were trashed before I even got there. When I arrived I had fun but after a while it got stale. As I sat there and looked around I felt so lonely, like I was the only sane person in the room. I felt so isolated from everyone else because it felt like I was the only person who felt like this about drinking. Everyone else loves it and has a great time stumbling around, embarrassing themselves, then throwing up on the rug in the bathroom (then hiding it because they aren't in a state to clean it up). The other disheartening thing was that as this person was saying goodbye to all the people who came to wish him well, I knew that the next day, he wouldn't even remember the conversation or that that person was even there. Why consciously delete precious memories?

I feel that so many enlightening moments in life come from the most unlikely sources and if you aren't ready to receive them, or if you aren't in a state that you are capable to, that they will be lost to you forever. I just thought of a quote by Martha Graham. It says:

"There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost."

I guess I am just sad that anything of depth and passion is being lost to something as vapid as a beverage.

Not-So Present...

Publish Post
Today as I was making the hour long trek through the parking lot to leave work
I started going over the happenings of my day. I was, like always, at my usual High School/Block Party shift. As I thought about my day and the shows I did I came to a startling conclusion: I didn't remember a single guest that watched our show today. Now for any other show this may not really be a big deal but with High School/Block Party it so is. The reason being is this: there is more audience participation in those two shows than in an episode of The Price is Right. We go into the audience and interact with people like 80 times a show. That is like 200 times that I dove into a crowd of people today and spent an extended amount of time with them. Now do you see the problem with me not remembering them? If I am really that unconscious during our shows then something needs to change. One of my major goals in life is to become more conscious, like the amazing Eckhart Tolle. I am fairly sure that he remembers at least one person from every seminar he holds. Anywho, it was just a little reality check today reminding me to always try to be present in the moment and not off in la la land. So there's my story for the day. Good night.

God and Futurama

As I go through my life the weirdest things inspire me. Tonight I was enjoying a relaxing night at home by myself. I was doing laundry, cooking dinner and watching TV. I opened the Tivo list and started watching one of my favorite shows Futurama.
The episode began with Bender, a robot from the future getting accidentally mistaken for a torpedo and fired at space pirates by Leela. It isn't as weird as it sounds. Anywho, he gets launched into space and is left to drift there forever. The episode continues and is full of crazy shinanigans and one liners. The thing that really got to me was the final scene. Bender suddenly drifts into a cosmos that he discovers is god. It envelopes him in light and begins to talk to him. Now of course it is a cartoon so the stuff god says isn't exactly inspiring but as I was watching I started to think of how comforting it would be to be floating and completely enveloped in God. I hope that I can experience it someday.

Aspirations

Ever since I was little I always found myself making lists of goals. I probably have like 50 random lists of goals floating around. I seriously wrote them all the time. One time I was writing a list in church and this snatchy girl that I was sitting next to wanted to know what I was doing. Being true to her previous description, she snatched the list from out of my hand and upon reading it said "These are stupid goals". Well guess what girl, you can go to hell. But I digress.
The other day I found one of my lists and it was exceedingly amusing. Some of my aspirations were pretty far fetched, such as becoming a "Storm Chaser" like in the movie Twister, or collect dirt for every country (I know, random). It was pretty funny. Not all of my goals were out there such as "Learn Another Language" or "Write a Book" but I found it interesting how much some of my simple goals have changed as I have grown up. As I was reading my long lost index of intentions I was inspired to make a new list for my present self. I will admit that some of my dreams are still kind of abstract to say the least, but thats why they are called dreams so back off miss snatchy:

Bry's List of Dreams:

1. Swim with Dolphins
2. Learn to speak Spanish fluently
3. Write a book that majorly influences people
4. Have my art showcased in a gallery
5. Be on TV in something that doesn't have to do with Disney or a news cast
   
6. Go to culinary school (not because I want to be a chef but because I like to cook)
   
7. Move to Hollywood (cliche I know)
8. Get a dog
9. Have kids
10. Be in a major magazine
11. Write for a newspaper column
12. Own a brand new car
13. Do a cirque du soleli show
14. Own a small house decorated completely by me
15. Have a job that doesn't require me to live paycheck to paycheck
16. Be in a major film
17. Meet Eckhart Tolle
18. Be truly happy inside no matter what is happening in my life

Apparently I am easy to please and can't even break 20. But I am pretty content with everything that is on my humble 18 item catalog. So there you have it.

Gay Days

This week here at the magical Walt Disney World that we live in there is this festive (to say the least) event happening called Gay Days. For those of you who don't live in the Orlando area lemme explain.

Every year there is a MASSIVE event called Gay Days here in the parks. It is meant to be a week long celebration of diversity and acceptance. Considering that there are many of Cast Members here in the park that choose that lifestyle, it is a highly anticipated event. In theory, it sounds like a positive thing to promote togetherness and unity for members of the gay and lesbian community.

Now I am all about freedom of speech and equal opportunity for everyone. I can honestly say that I want everyone, no matter your religion, skin color, orientation, lifestyle, or opinions to be equal in this world. I may not necessarily agree with everything that some people say or do, but I don't feel it is my right to tell people what they can do or believe in .

However I am kind of irked about some of the things I have been experiencing while working this week and the weeks leading up to this event. The following are simply my thoughts as I have observed some of the conversations that have been happening around me. Please keep in mind I am not anti-anything in my remarks, I am simply trying to get a point across.

As the first week of June began to get closer I started hearing conversations having to do with Gay Days.

"I need to start working out so I can get into shape for Gay Days." I heard someone say as I eavesdropped on a conversation between two people. They then began to explain that they wanted to be in shape so they could hook up with some people during the weeks festivities.

This conversation really frustrated me. The subject of acceptance has been the topic of many conversations I have heard and had when it comes to gay rights. I always hear the never ending debate that, as I stated above and agree with myself, there should be acceptance for people who choose that particular lifestyle. They complain that people have a stereotype in their mind and that they are judged by that cliche. It is hard for me to show sympathy when statements like the one above are made. If the objective of going to an event like gay days is to sleep with as many people as one can, it is understandable that people have a preconceived notion about the lifestyle associated with it the event. It is discouraging to me that an event that is supposed to promote acceptance is, in reality, perpetuating a stereotype.

As this week arrived, my attitude towards what was about to happen was less than positive. All week everyone asks each other,

"What are you doing for gay days?" as if it is a religious holiday like Christmas or something. I just grow weary of the hypocrisy I suppose. There was one conversation I hear last night though that made me feel a little better about the overall attitude of people in this bubble called Disney.

I was in a brush-up rehearsal for a show I rarely do here. It was a monotonous and, in my opinion, pointless waste of time. Most of the run through was spent sitting in the stands of the theater. I sat in the back and listened to the bored conversations of my peers. At one point one boy turned to another and asked the redundant question:

"What are you doing for gay days?"

"Nothing. It's not really my thing." The other boy simply stated.

"What do you mean "It's not your thing". Being gay isn't your thing?" At this point another boy sitting next to the conversation joined in with by responding for the boy who was being questioned.

"Maybe there is more to his personality than being gay. Maybe he doesn't have to concentrate on one small piece of his life. There is more to him than being gay." I was really impressed by that answer. What he said was so profound to me. It goes deeper than being gay, it pertains to anything in life. When you take a small part of your personality and magnify it to the point it becomes your entire personality that is where the problem lies. Why choose a small part of who you are and let it consume you when who you are is so much deeper?

I guess I am just annoyed by the complaining. I was reading a letter to the editor yesterday that actually went right along with what I have been contimplating about. It is by Aaron Hicklin and the one quote that really summed up what I was feeling said:

"I don't want anyone to think of my sexuality as exceptional, for better or for worse; in fact, I'd rather they didn't think of it at all."

I feel that things would be a lot easier for people if they would just be rather than identifying solely with a particular aspect of their life. I am not even speaking about the gay thing anymore. I feel it applies to anything in life.

Anywho, I am sorry for the rant. I just get so disheartened by the things people do and say sometimes. I see their sadness and wish I could help them, but I can't because you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Family

Sometimes I get caught up in the stupid, catty drama in my life that I start forgetting what really matters. Sometimes I have to just step back and put things into perspective. Even though I don't show it well sometimes, I love my family so much. At the end of the day being cut off on I-4 or being asked to do an extra show doesn't seem so bad when I think of what could happen to my family. I am just thankful for them and can't get that thought out of my head today so I needed to write it down.

Understanding

Lately something strange has been happening to me. I feel as if something in my thinking has shifted and I am understanding things that, in the past, I didn't. It is everything from emotional concepts to vapid things like movies. The past two years I have lived here I have really grown as a person. For this blog I am going to make a list of all the things that I understand that I didn't before.

• The Fountain
• "Everything" by Alanis Morissette
• When people say they see their parents as real people rather than these grown ups that are impossible to connect to
  
• Loneliness
• How heartless people outside the bubble actually can be
• The Dynamics of a professional work position
• Real Heartache
• Being Aware
• How different some people are from myself
• What inner peace means
• What people are actually doing when they meditate
• The term physically drained
• Sweating so much your shirt is an entirely different color
• How it feels to have no choice but limp
• What it feels like to reference High School as something in the past rather than the future
• How people make decisions because of how they feel about themselves
• How to do grown up things like go to traffic school, open bank accounts and change my oil
• Being alone but not feeling alone